Hi. How i'm really feeling towards him was really guilty, even right now. I'm just scared that i will not change back to one he once knew from last year. Whatever confessions he let out and all the lectures Dahliah said really go inside my brain and stick there even now. Eventhough i'm feeling that i'm letting myself down and feeling that i'm not the best for him as before, i'm trying so hard to change. But whenever i tried, it will then slowly change back to the worse. Haish. I got speechless not able to answer all my wrong deeds to him. :'( i feel like i'm not appriciating him at all. I somehow took advantage of him just because of his love. Well to me, i feel like saying sorry alot of times until i feel so satisfied with myself. For all this while he's been suffering, i've taking things lightly towards our relationship. He should be the one asking for me for a break up, not me. He's been carrying the burden alone when i just put on more weight onto it. :'/ omg i really bad for myself ... haish. I wish we can swtich places to see how relax i am, and how suffering he is. I really really want myself to change to the one he use to really love me like last time. Oh please change for the better riyadha. :'( What if i change and i change back to the worse? Haish. I regret all my mistakes i did to him from the past until now. The day when we're together i really thought that i don't want anything to be a mess in our relationship. No third party in our relationship. No hatetrip towards each other. And i thought i can be his best out of his exes. But then, it turn out to be upside down. Alhamdullilah theres no third party and any hatetrip towards each other. :') But then, every went a real mess eversince May. :( From there, everything change. And once he told me that he love had fade towards me, i feel damn sad. And ofcourse i can feel from there how he feels when i said that to him too. :'( But not just sad, i feel really scared. I'm afraid to lose him forever. Feelings can change in a split of seconds yknow. :/ I'm afraid that he won't be the person that mean so much to me just like my family. I don't wanna be a girl who is depressed and feeling so sad about a boy she love so much that had got away just like that. I just don't want to find a guy like him. I swear. To me, he's enough. Even i wish he could that he could be my first. :'( Never have i use this phrase before, but he's just so perfect for me. He make me happy and always give in when i should be the one that should be doing that. :'( Well, i just gotta be damn lucky right now that he was holding and not giving up on me and on everything about the past. I really hope he feel much more relieve and better. And now, i'm just scared. Really scared. I just wanna say sorry to him again and agaun, as many times as i want until i cry to know that i was just so fcking wrong all this while and also to feel the hurt and pain he once felt. :'( oh god. i wish i was his best again and i wish i can be the one whom he really first met. :'(
